So it has apparently been 12 long days since I last put up a
blog post, 12 days in which I have achieved little more than consume a shocking
number of Laugenbretzels and lay on my sofa testing out my new headphones
(which are awesome in case you were wondering). And just to clarify to those of
you who may be unsure, a Laugenbretzel is not to be mistaken for an ordinary
pretzel. They are distinguished by their trade-mark orange/brown surface and
rock salt covering. Bare this in mind on your next trip to the bakery. Diversions
aside, there is one thing I achieved during this this period of apparent vegetation–
thinking about the ways in which our society is hard on men. Promised you guys a
follow up from my last post, so here it is. Sadly no half-naked women for you
this week though, my apologies for that, though maybe in the spirit of equality
I should post a man in his underwear? Anyway, this is kind of hard for me to
write about given my lack of penis and consequential difference in perspective,
but I’ll let you in on the main things I have thought about that I imagine are
pretty sucky about being a man. Guys, feel free to message back about what you
think about this, would be interesting to know! Essentially I think that one of
the biggest issues that men face is the fact that they aren’t allowed to be in
any way ‘female’ – whatever that means - and if they are, they get A LOT of
stick for it. That sounds really vague I know, so I have a couple of examples
to illustrate what I mean – the phrase ‘man up’ and issues about custodial and
(for want of a better word) foetal rights. What I think is also something to
mention is chubby boys, and how it is potentially harder for them than chubby
girls…
So I’m going to start off with the ‘man up’ thing. Generally
when someone says this to you it essentially means to stay strong despite whatever
is happening, or as urban dictionary puts it “don't be a pussy”. Whilst at first it kind of seems that this
is only said tongue in cheek and is mostly used to stop people whining, I think
it is actually pretty damaging if you really think about it. It has the connotation
of a strong man who isn’t emotionally crippled by things going on around him.
Consequently, we seem to have this ill-founded notion that men should be
emotionally untouchable and that is isn’t okay for them to cave under emotional
pressure, which is reproduced by telling boys to man up. Just think about what
your reaction might be if you walked down a street and saw a man crying. If you
saw a women crying, I don’t think you would be that taken aback, or at least I
wouldn’t, but a man might throw you. And it really shouldn’t. And what comes
with this idea that being strong and manly is the idea that anything else is
not – hence being a pussy – and that therefore, as a man, you shouldn’t be any
other way. I’m not even going to get into the issues I have with the phrase
being a ‘pussy’, but what it serves to show is that men aren’t really allowed
to feel what they want when they want, unlike women (though we are painted as
being hysterical because of this, which I also object too). And I really feel that it is damaging for
young boys to be told to man up and shut down their emotions, because often it’s
better to let yourself break down every now and then rather than keep it all
bottled up. So just a note to my future boyfriend/husband/son/every man I ever
encounter, it’s alright to cry, or be keen, or anxious, or whatever it is you
are feeling but feel like you shouldn’t. I would rather you just talked about
it rather than a) making yourself feel bad keeping it in and b) keeping me
guessing and obsessing about all the bad things you could be thinking. It’s
really win-win for everyone to just be honest all the time and act on how you
feel. Unless you are a serial killer. Maybe save that one for the confines of a
counsellor’s office.
Another thing
that I guess is really hard about being a guy is the little say you get in
pregnancies. Although I like to think that when a girl gets pregnant – whether intentionally
or not – that both parties get a say in what happens next, I’m not convinced
that this is always the case. Sure it must be difficult for a girl when the man
wants the baby to be aborted and she doesn’t, but she can ultimately make that
choice to have the child or not. But for men that choice isn’t really there.
They can walk away from a pregnancy at will and come back if and when they
please, but they can’t have a baby if the girl isn’t willing. And I think it is
tragic that there are cases when girls abort children that men want to have.
And because it isn’t their body there is ultimately nothing they can do to stop
this. I don’t really see that there is any solution to this, but that doesn’t
make it any less shit for guys to have to deal with. And I really don’t envy
them being in, or having the potential to be in this situation.
This ties in with custody rights and stay at home dads,
which are also areas where women win hands down. When a marriage goes wrong –
regardless of what cause – in most cases where there are children involved the
mother will get custody. The following graph shows that pretty clearly:
Whilst in some cases there may be clear benefits for
children to live with their mother, I am sure that in more than 17% of cases
there is good cause to grant to father custody, or at least joint custody. I appreciate
that it also isn’t great to ferry kids around between two parents all the time
to split their time literally 50/50 between the parents, but it doesn’t seem
right that women are more likely to get custody based on the old-fashioned
notion of women as childcare and men as bread-winners. This also definitely
ties in with the fact that it is much less socially acceptable for men to be
stay at home dads. Men get seen as lazy, whipped, or weird for wanting to do
this. But maybe they are actually just decent and want to spend time with their
children, and I really think we should judge them less for this. When I’m older
I want to stay at home with my children and I hope my husband does too. And
while yes, we will probably fight horrifically about this, I wouldn’t change
this for anything. Maybe I should also mention here that there may still be
something to be said against wage differentials making it economically feasible
for women to stay at home. But generally I think that if men want to have a
fair share of their kids’ time society really shouldn’t put them down for this.
And my last point, which fits in less with the rest but is a
point nonetheless is about how it might be harder to be a chubby boy than a
chubby girl. Firstly, if you are a girl and are chubby, you’re probably gonna
have either boobs or a bum (or both), which is probably a good thing. Secondly, there are
some clothes out there designed to be flattering for your
slightly-bigger-than-average physique, so you can still go out feeling like you
look quite nice. But for the chubby guy, life isn’t that sweet. If you think
about the average view of a man, he is somewhere between skinny and toned, and probably
plays some kind of sport because he’s a man and does manly things. But the
chubby guy probably doesn’t play sport, and unlike the chubby girl, he can’t
use his clothing to make his bodily abundance into something attractive. He somehow
becomes less of a man, which is ironic given the fact that there is well, more
of him. Whilst he can just go to the gym to fix this situation, he will then be
laughed at for being the fat guy at the gym (though I feel this is the best
place for him). So pretty much it probably sucks to be a chubby boy. But just
to note, this isn’t me saying I judge chubby boys – especially as I think what I
count as chubby is pretty lenient – it’s just me appreciating that it’s
probably pretty shit. Girls are allowed to be squishy (or so I tell myself), guys,
not so much.
So yeah, that was just a few things I can imagine being less
than optimal about being a guy. Though plus side, some men can grow cool beards
and then stroke them when thinking to look like they are all deep and
philosophical. And you don’t have to sit on public toilet seats to pee. There
are pros and cons to everything I guess. And here’s something to break the
silence:
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