1. Giving people a chance is really okay.
I always had the policy that if you don’t let people in they
can’t hurt you so for most of my life I have been really reserved and guarded
and shy, and just genuinely terrified of being intimate with anyone. I don’t
really mean that in a physical way; it’s really easy to get with someone, but
emotionally that’s really tough. I think most people can relate to this to some
extent, but I was like this to an extreme level, and still am to a large extent.
I have always been horrified that someone might actually find out about all of
the things I try to hide. And, taking 2nd year of uni as an example,
this really wasn’t working out for me. It’s just not sustainable to closet
everything. To quote Rae (My mad fat diary):
“There are times when I can’t stop speaking, when a million
words leave my mouth in a matter of seconds… a million words that mean nothing…
but when I want to find some words that mean everything, I just can’t speak.
Like: I miss you. Like: I love you. Like: my world is falling apart and I need
you by my side.”
But I think I have finally got to the stage where I have a
handful of friends that I can call when my world is crumbling, or when it is
amazing, because I don’t doubt that they have my back anymore. I finally
realised that there are times that it’s okay to lean on people, which my year
abroad taught me because there were moments when things were too hard. Times
when there was nobody around me that I felt comfortable with, when I couldn’t
stand the idea of going out and having to make so much effort to have a
conversation with people who wouldn’t understand what I was saying anyway. And
what I found the most hard, is realising that to German people, I have no
personality. I used to have an issue a lot of the time where when I was talking
to someone I would simultaneously be telling myself to stop talking because
they weren’t interested in what I might have to say. And this still happens
sometimes. And I’m still socially awkward. But despite all of that I realised
that people don’t think half as many bad things about me as I do and the only
way to get over times this hard is to let people in a bit. Giving them a chance
is really alright. And going on a year abroad and making a whole new set of
friends, who are in many cases somehow undefinably culturally different, you
realise that it’s okay to invest in people, even though it might not always
work out that those people stay in your life and that you might look like a
fool during the process. So essentially I have learned not to be (so) socially
awkward and I now make the effort to get to know people. And I let them know a
little about me too, or enough at least. And yeah sometimes I seem like the
weird keen English girl, but being keen shouldn’t be a bad thing. I am keen. I
think most people are lovely so of course I want to get to know them better. It’s
their problem if they find this weird. I’m actually alright and it’s their loss
to miss out on this.
2. German bakeries are AMAZING.
Laugenbretzel is all I need to say on this matter. British
bread is shit.
3. Germans are taught to communicate better.
So Germans are always stereotyped as being very direct and
blunt, often to a very intrusive extent (which is comical given that a German
boy actually, though admittedly jokingly, told me I was intrusive). Stereotypes
are always based on some observation, and in this case its relatively accurate.
Germans are direct but I don’t think that this is a bad thing. I think that
this directness comes from being taught that it’s okay to have an opinion and
to express it. At university (in the geography department at least) there are
lots of small seminars in which you are assessed for presentations and group
discussions. I find this to be the most painful thing in the world, but it
makes it clear why a lot of Germans are a bit more direct, which seems way
nicer and genuine than the English culture of acting nice whilst entertaining a
different opinion on the inside. So essentially it’s just that Germans are
taught that it’s okay to say what you are thinking and to disagree with those
around you.
Whilst on the topic of communicativeness, one of the major
things I have realised is that I am not very articulate at all. This probably
relates back to how much I am a closet person, but I really can’t express
myself very well at all. Add this to speaking in a foreign language and it’s
just a ridiculous problem. One which I haven’t solved as of yet. I just write
so much better than I speak, in both English and German. But I’m trying to
change this and get used to articulating myself, and these horrid presentations
help. I know in the moment I will be praying for the ground to swallow me whole,
but after this fails to happen I’ll realise that it was good to be pushed this
way as I can’t spend my whole life not verbally expressing myself.
4. There are enough hours in the day to do
everything.
In Bonn I do the same amount of credits as in Bristol and
actually have a lot of work to do, but despite this I have learned that there
are in fact enough hours in the day to do everything (as many hours as Beyonce
has indeed). So it is my full intention to do everything: uni, have a job,
volunteer, see my friends and do absolutely nothing and lay around for hours
listening to music and reading. And when someone asks me if I want to go on
holiday or to a festival or go chill out in a park, the answer is yes. Always. Because
there is time for this. And time for more too. It probably helps that I am naturally
an early riser and have acquainted myself with those ungodly hours that a lot
of people seem to be entirely unaware of. 7am is actually a pretty good time of
day, you should try it. Essentially there is just no reason for my life to be
less than awesome. I am definitely up for testing its potential.
5. Life at home goes on without you.
Whilst this seems obvious it is entirely not unobvious at
the same time. When you get home you realise that everyone has been getting on
with their lives as if your absence wasn’t such a gaping hole in their lives.
At first this kind of stings when you realise that they will replace you with
other people and things. Then you realise that this is just how it has to be.
And that your life is going on without them too, so it’s not one-sided at all. You
can’t fit into the same life again because you aren’t the same and neither are
the people around you. Stuff happens in between. This is sometimes good and
sometimes not, and coming to terms with this is important. I realised it’s not
okay to live life thinking about all the choices I didn’t make, that’s way too
tiring.
6. My friends are beautiful.
Whenever I go home it’s always really hard to keep in contact
with everyone as there are like a billion people I want to see and a never
ending list of things I want to do. Some people have been surprisingly rubbish
at answering my texts to hang out or chasing me up, but mostly my friends have
been fantastic. I realised that my friends are all beautiful and that putting
an ocean between us changes everything and nothing all at once. And I love
them. I just generally love everyone. I might be a bit naive in this way, but I’d
rather that than cynical.
I realise now that I have actually learnt way more things
than this since going to Bonn but I’ll stop myself there. I’ll just post a part
two later. And most likely parts 3 and 4, and so on. But in conclusion I’m less
cagey and have realised that people are amazing and that I have got the most
incredible opportunity at the moment to do a ridiculous amount of things. And I
should take this.
My mad fat diary is worth watching by the way. Cute and cringey is how I would describe it. Apologies for spelling/grammar mistakes, I’m too tired to proof this at the moment. But good news, it’ a bonobo kind of evening…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFSGQZVsBJA
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